Kristen Ramsay of Violet Aura Holistic Studio - RE-INTRODUCTION at 40
Someone once told me everyone will only remember the version of you they met. The first time I heard this I couldn’t stop thinking about what perception some people still must have that haven’t seen me in a while!
Well, I think it’s time to re-introduce myself.
I’m so blessed to be a mom (& stepmom) of four beautiful girls and a happily married woman in a loving, supporting and healthy relationship with someone that I genuinely enjoy spending time with and share values, goals and interests with. These days I’m really enjoying working in my office at the gym, working out in the gym, practicing yoga and mindfulness, meditating, reading books on self-development and spirituality, sharing healing kundalini mantras & kriyas for addictions and bad habits, creating classes, continuing to learn about trauma healing and healing our nervous system, working on nutrition and somatic yoga courses, journaling, spending time outside in nature – riding my pedal bike, paddleboarding, swimming at the pool, camping, riding on the back of Dawson’s bike … doing all the things that are good for me and that I authentically enjoy and continue to do because of how good they make me feel. I’ve been reading lots about ADHD and anxiety and hormones.
I’m putting lots of work into understanding myself and educating myself to be my own healer so I can help others.
I’m trying to teach my daughters to respect their bodies while also trying to empower them to feel good about themselves – which is no easy task. At 40 I’m finally realizing it’s okay for me to feel good about my body. I’ve worked really hard to carry some muscle over the last 12 years in my fitness journey. Lots of girls don’t realize that bullying happens to everyone of all sizes. When I was younger, I was called names, made fun of for not maturing as fast as the other girls, asked if I was anorexic and often told by girls I could never have anything to be insecure about - even though I grew up wishing I could be lucky like the girls that were naturally blessed with curves. I’ve felt shamed to be confident in my body. We need to understand we all feel the same way, regardless of our size or shape. We need to let go of judgment and comparison and learn to look in the mirror and feel grateful for who we uniquely are. If you see a woman dressed up and looking good – give her a compliment! We all deserve to feel good about ourselves. We should never feel like we have to dim our own light. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other women permission to do the same.
Let’s focus on physical health for mental health and all the amazing benefits that comes with moving our bodies consistently.
The Barbie movie monologue perfectly captures the feeling “It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong…”
At 40 I’m realizing what’s working, what feels good in my body and what doesn’t.
I’M FINALLY LISTENING TO MY BODY & WHAT IT NEEDS
Most days - I’ve started sleeping 7 hours a night. I take my vitamins daily and have my greens drink and vitamins before my coffee in the morning. I try to use the sauna every morning or night and actually wipe my makeup off before bed. I’ve started using face cream and stopped using baby oil to tan. I just finally bought myself a pair of shorts that are an appropriate length. I try to say no to white breads & pastas and instead try to eat whole real foods including fresh fruit, locally raised meat, vegetables and whole grains. I try to find balanced nutrition and still enjoy all foods but limit myself to things like pop and chips only on the weekends.
For the past 8 years I’ve quit drinking alcohol regularly (but without pressure on myself by saying I can go out any time I want). Surprisingly it turned out I don’t even want to be very bad anymore - going out about 4 times a year. After my birthday celebrations a couple weeks ago I made a new choice – to quit drinking alcohol for 1 year. It feels like the right path and to be honest I just want to focus on my health & am interested to see how good I can really feel.
The truth is if someone had told me 20 years ago I would live the life I’m living, I would have laughed at them. Impossible is what I would have thought. My belief system had me stuck thinking I would be in an unhappy relationship, broke, negative and working a job that although I enjoyed – couldn’t break way from the feeling there had to more.
10 years ago – the girls were 14, 12, 3 and 2. I was working full time in an office with kids in daycare, taking correspondence courses for my Educational Assistant certificate, driving kids in all directions, cleaning and meeting people in Saskatchewan gyms and trying to keep up with Dawson and paperwork as he expanded gyms.
Although I had slowed down my social life significantly and had begun making new choices to a healthier life, I was still only surviving during the week and living for the weekend when I could “get away”. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was definitely suffering from post-partum depression.
Even farther back – 20 years ago - After loosing one of my best friends unexpectedly at age 16 in a tragic car accident and while living the day to day of being an only child with a father who had terminal cancer and died at 19, I would do anything to not have to live in my head and away from the feelings of guilt, shame (for being a rebellious teenager), fear of abandonment, and mentally beating myself up every day. I was living by myself in Winnipeg since I was 18, worked a Monday – Friday 8:30 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. office job, slept little when I got home from the bar most nights, surviving off fast food, pizza pops, cookies and naps. The only exercise I did was the mandatory swimming laps I had to do to keep my swimming instructor/guard certifications current. By 21, I was completely lost and living with the mindset that “something has to go wrong because I’m feeling too good”. I could never imagine living a life or saw a future where I could be one of those people that were healthy or went to the gym.
Years later while I was skiing down the hill on a New Year’s Eve with my family, I laughed to myself while I thought - look at me I am one of those people now!
The biggest aha moment for me over the years has been the knowledge that we have the ability – the power – to heal ourselves. It begins with non-judgmental awareness of ourselves, grows into the ability to observe our thoughts & beliefs, then into the ability to re-choose how we feel and how we want to live our everyday lives.
I’m still on a rollercoaster of times when I am in routine and thriving and days that are hard and that I am barely surviving feeling anxious, overwhelmed and defeated by the to-do lists. I just now have the ability to dig through my “toolbox” to bring myself back from ego to love. Always choose love over fear.
The journey has not always been easy. My intention is to help those that are looking for a different way, a different path. To help those who feel like they need to “escape” or be numb by sharing how we can rebuild our nervous system, using tools like yoga for its poses (asanas) and living the philosophy off the mat, working out, meditation, kundalini, somatic trauma & stored emotions release and nutrition to manage anxiety, negative self-talk and the feeling of not knowing where to start when we want to change.
I love being a part of the community here in Roblin and all the Parkland area and am passionate about all recreation and the importance of being active for all ages.
This is my story. This is my why. This is my purpose.
Thank you to everyone in person, on zoom and on the Violet Aura Holistic Studio page for all your support & encouragement. You are what keep me moving forward while we continue to grow and shine light together.
Namaste / Sat Nam
~ Kristen ~